OK, lissen up everybody--the magic blog has relocated. Please continue along with my journey at:

http://volcano-taco.blogspot.com/

Gracias.

The summer heat stopped being magical and became oppressive somewhere on the course of my journey through coastal and south Georgia this weekend. Despite how awful it was, I came back equipped with a take-no-prisoners determination to fight away from my current state of aimless complacency. I am disgusted with how my life compares to that of my friends; how far away I am from touchstone achievements that have mattered to me since I was a kid; how poorly I socialize with others and how weakly I adhere to my goals in the face of distraction. I don't feel like I can be gentle but that I have to shake things up until my teeth rattle.

I'm reading a book (as always) that is influencing my sense of things. It's the "Art of War" by Steven Pressman and it addresses doing all the things that you're afraid of or resisting. But it also talks about not doing certain kinds of things.

For instance, not doing things that draw attention to yourself that aren't your art. Like this blog. And flickr. And the way I dress. I'm done with diverting attention away from my Life Pursuit, because it's not that it diverts the attention of others but of myself. I can spend hours on my outfits but only minutes a day working on personal projects? Where the hell is my brain?

Additionally, going to continue to adhere to avoiding chaos and self-destruction in all forms. I'm so done with being the kind of person who will be able to start doing their creative work the minute their life stops falling apart. My life has been non-falling-apart for a while, but it's still marked by careless spending and poor self-care. Things need to function. I've got to be the one to take care of business.

I don't want to take a harsh attitude toward other people, but I'm so exasperated with myself that I've got nothing very positive to offer other people. It's like I'm carrying a heavy burden up some stairs and I can't enjoy other people or deal with relationships until I've got to the top and laid the burden down. I like being alone and discovering things alone because I feel somehow that it's only ME that can solve my current problems.

Things I am interested in right now:

-Calorie restriction as a lifestyle. "Better than exercise for slowing primary aging." Alright okay. I'm very pro-health and will try anything once, especially if it helps to delay my transfiguration into a withered crone.

-Trapeze. I have gone everyday to the park to practice getting on the bar and rouging up my callouses. The pain in my grip and my weak arm muscles (?) are the first interesting challenges to tackle.

-Little books. Tiny diaries. Teeny little thoughts that can just be my secret.

-Produce. The house is crawling with produce.

-Winklepickers. WANT WANT WANT.

Current private experiments and trends:

-less is more

-taking myself more (or less) seriously

-keeping my poker face when I deal with The World Outside

-getting a haircut...a time for haircutting is arriving...

-It's uncomfortable to take risks, but it's more uncomfortable not to trust yourself.

I've been not blogging because I've been trying not to ruminate. Also, I've been busy. It's really good.

Today was good, so was yesterday. Things seem to move forward if I just get out of the house enough, or if I'm here, I have to be doing something constructive (NO INTERNET) and listening to music that doesn't send me straight to hell. Meaning, my mental hell of being sad and maudlin. So I just listen to Rod Stewart and Sting and George Michael, cause that all seems to keep me on neutral ground.

Audiobooks are also good.

Blogging is boring unless you actually have something to talk about. Since all I do lately is exercise, I guess my brain is on vacation. I do still find myself ruminating on lots of things, but talking about them only seems to make them more really real, and I'd rather they just stay in fake-imaginary-world.

Things I like:

-accents on boys

-my little stovetop espresso maker, it is a good friend

-dreaming...last night I dreamed that a little kid was in love with me and he had masturbated in all of his school notebooks, and his Mom was confronting me with it and being like, "What is this? He's 12 years old, what is this?" and I was all *shrug.*

-yard sales

-making new friends everywhere, things are picking up in the social department, kinda sorta

It's early morning (hooray!) and I'm miraculously awake to do some work---which I plan to start *any* minute. In the meantime, I had some thoughts:

-Being moderate vs. abstaining. I've got a big wedding to go to in a week and a half, and I totally plan to stay raw while I'm there...but it might be stressful and difficult (I am hungry--always! What if I don't bring enough food? ). I felt like I should maybe suspend Raw-Mania while I'm there, but this article from Gretchen at The Happiness Project struck home with me. I believe that I, like Gretchen, am an ABSTAINER rather than a moderator. It is much more automatic and less stressful to just get rid of certain things completely, rather than try to moderate how often they can or should be in your life. Because if I do that, then suddenly I'm having an excuse to have chocolate cake and shots of Jameson at every meal. :(

-My attention book says people should schedule their free time in order to get the best use out of it. Let's all give this a try, ,shall we?

Today is grants, roses, pilates, grants and art throwdown! Yeeessssssss.

At times I begin to have the feeling that my life is just a parade of distractions marching around some central rabbit-hole, into which I refuse to jump. When I relate to myself, I relate like a wealthy parent throwing distractions and baubles at their child but without really asking the child what it wants or what their level of interest is. There is this feeling that if I just throw enough energy at the child it will be nurtured...same with my job, that if I just put enough hours in, the work will be done.

I was reading about ballet studios and a line stuck with me: "The needs of the class are simple, but very specific."

This could apply to everything, yes? The needs of my job are simple, but specific--really it requires LESS energy than more and yet I surround the process with this callous of dread. As far as myself goes, I think my needs are simple too...a little routine, a little pleasure, a little socializing. It's just hard to keep a balanced diet of these things and to be sensitive to myself about where there is a deficiency. I feel that when I am wasting time on my computer reading people's STUPID Facebook updates, then you know there is a social deficiency. Likewise, when I find myself in conversation having nothing to talk about it suggests I need to spend more time with myself, reading and developing ideas. It's hard to be aware always of the self's needs without brandishing judgement or denial.

In a more pleasant vein, I was listening to my audiobook about attention and it occurred to me that everything I could possibly want in life is already at hand, except that I am not paying attention to it. Like in movies when the main character experiences an epiphany and suddenly starts talking to the neighbors and maybe kisses the annoying guy at the supermarket--I want to wake up to the world and see that every possible desire is already satisfied here in the present moment.